I’ve been feeling a rainbow of emotions and living thru big changes in both my personal and professional life. It’s been a roller coaster of a few months. I haven’t been blogging as I’ve been living the moment and the feelings. Or maybe better said, I’ve just been surviving and trying to numb how I’m feeling and all of what is popping up for me.
Life milestones
First, the mourning of losing dad continues… sadness and grief come and go. His passing isn’t leaving me unaffected. Most of the time, I reminisce on the beautiful memories we created. I recall his over the top stories and tall tales. But I can’t dismiss the feelings of the void and emptiness he left in our lives.
I just recently had my heart broken. Hopes and dreams of a beautiful future with the man of my dreams were shattered. For years I had protected my heart and I had been very selective in sharing my life with someone. I had opened up my heart again. We had these common dreams we wanted together. When he had a change of heart last month, it deflated me. His decision was a surprise and then a range of emotions followed. I’ve been feeling rejected, sad, angry and hurt…
On the work front, we welcomed a new senior management team and my beloved boss of 6 years moved on to new horizons. With new management team, comes new vision and changes. While I believe the proposed changes are quite positive and are for the greater good of the organization, it does not negate the uncertainties that arise nor the impact on employee engagement and morale. As the Director of HR, these changes will also bring work to my team and I. Will I be able to accomplish all of our existing priorities while also leading change in the organization?
Another life event that I didn’t realize what impacting me so much is the change in a dear friendship. I’ve experienced lately the loss of a friend. The changes of the frequency and the in-depth exchanges have changed. Someone that was once very present in my life, I now barely interact with. We were companions, activity partners and she was my confident. We would be together a couple times a week. We had a beautiful routine. Now, I barely see or talk to her. I can’t minimize the impacts it has had on me as the friendship changed and the person is no longer as available and present to me. I’ve been mourning that side of the relationship and learning to find alternatives.
What I did and I’m doing…
I’ve been trying to stay positive in dealing with all these emotions but I’ve been having a hard time being my normal sunshine yellow personality. I’ve allowed myself to feel all the feelings. I haven’t really had the desire to enjoy the sunny summer days as I normally do. I haven’t been feeling bright and sunny. July was an extremely difficult month for me. I’ve been feeling low, feeling angry. I’ve been feeling lonely and alone. I’ve wanted to retreat and not reached out to friends. I’d make plans or have plans with friends and later I’ve found myself cancelling them so I can just be home, to rest and sleep. The initial healing process did include numbing the feelings, by binging tv, and numbing with food.
Then I came to my senses and realized I didn’t want to be numb anymore.
I consulted with my psychiatrist and we agreed that for a few months I will decrease my workdays so I could rest and recover from the mountain of emotions I have bottled up inside. This extra day off is allow time to pause from the busyness of work to just be and sit in my emotions.
I’ve been needing time to heal and mend that broken heart. I’ve been trying to be extra caring and loving towards myself as I’m living thru all the feelings of pain, numbness, rejection, anger, sadness. I’m allowing those feelings to surface. I’m witnessing them come and go. I’m not attaching myself to them but I’m allowing myself to feel them instead of numbing them.
My therapist made me acknowledge that all my feelings and behaviours were normal. I was feeling guilty for not having the energy and bandwidth for anything more than work. My body and mind were just wanting rest!!
My therapist reminded me that one of these milestone would be enough for someone to have a breakdown or initiate a depression. She helped me see that any normal individual would greatly be affected with just one of these life changes. I am not only processing 4 of these life milestones at the same time (dad’s passing, work changes, heartbreak and loss of a companion),but I also have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Making my mental health even more at risk of a psychosis or manic attack.
I’m more gentle with myself. I accept that I need some downtime, time to just sit with my feelings. I also changed my outlook, I promised myself last week that I would take some concrete actions, put myself out there, leave my couch, stop binge watching for hours.
Coincidentally, I welcomed visitors last week. What a beautiful opportunity to move out of my funk. I wanted to be a good hostess. I wanted to be that bubbly self again. I wanted to participate in some of their activities.
I found myself honouring where I was. While I did participate, I also did not put on an act. If I was having a harder day, I would not try to hide it. They actually helped me process the underlying emotions that I was feeling.
I acknowledge that I need to be myself, I don’t want to hide my feelings. I need to honor what feeling wants to appear. If I’m feeling upset or angry, I won’t pretend I’m ok, I’ll verbalize the frustration or anger that is showing up. I’m learning this is how I want to live. I do not want to be fake, I do not want to pretend I’m ok while I’m suffering. I want to embrace my feelings. I want to continue identifying and verbalizing my limits. That is a true testament of honouring myself.
I have many balls in the air to juggle but I also believe that everything happens for a reason and that I got this. I would not be handed all these scenarios if I couldn’t handle it. I’m protected and guided by God and my angels which now also includes my Dad.
I’m able to see this current phase in my life as a turning point. Some doors are closing to give me room for new ones. There’s hope for the newness!
My little piece of advice to you…. Don’t be an ostrich and hide your head in the sand when faced with big emotions
If you find yourself faced with challenging emotions or a big life change or milestone, I recommend you sit with the uncomfortable feelings that are arising! Witness the feelings that are wanting to pop up. Name the feeling, the emotion, then let them go.
You shouldn’t try to deal with it on your own. Reach out to a friend, find a therapist or professional to help you identify and verbalize what is going on.
Don’t minimize the power of asking for help!
In Love and Light 💕💫
Nat