Do you remember the dreams you had in high school? Did your dreams changed over the years? Are you chasing the same dreams you had? Did something happen and you stopped dreaming? Are you still dreaming?
In a recent conversation with my best friend, I realized that I had big, colorful and different dreams than people around me. I wanted to get out of my small home town, explore the world, see new horizons. I didn’t fit the mold of finishing school, getting a job, getting married, buying a house and having children. That was not my dream. That was not my destiny nor my journey…
To follow my dream of seeing the world, I moved to Mexico in my 3rd year of university. I loved my life in Merida, Yucatan. I enjoyed discovering everything Mexico had to offer: from the tasty dishes, cultural sites, to the beautiful beaches, friendly people and romantic language. I felt so alive in a different country, another language. It was another world and one in which I came alive. I was living my dream! There was something so magical in being an expat. I loved inserting myself in that culture, learning their rituals and traditions was fascinating for me.
While I lived in Mexico, I planned my next move which would be to South Korea. I was gonna go teach English and visit Asia. I had a job lined up, I was ready….
Then that dream was shattered!!
Shattered in million little pieces and I stopped dreaming from that moment on. Loss, trauma and domestic abuse caused me focus on processing and healing. It was difficult at the time to just survive, let alone follow my dreams and passion.
What happened you may ask?
I got pregnant. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was 23 years old, I had a job waiting for me in Korea. I never dreamt of being a mother, having kids. That was not part of my dreams or desires. Yet, I changed my life to embrace that new reality. I moved back in with my parents in NB. I got a waitressing job. I cried myself to sleep every night because I DID NOT want that life. I felt trapped, I felt like I was losing my dreams! Because I was blindly in love with my Mexican boyfriend, and I was going to have our child and we were going to start a family, I accepted that was going to be my new life.
The first months of my pregnancy were quite normal. I was healthy and the pregnancy was going well, except I was miserable and I cried every night to fall asleep. During my ultrasound at 5 months, I got the devastating news that I had triplets but with no heartbeat. Next day, I returned to the hospital where I gave birth to my 3 stillborn babies.
My partner’s way of coping with the grief was accusing me of doing something to cause harm to the babies and bullying me in having sex. On top of that, he couldn’t work so I went back to work 3 days after giving birth so I could support us.
I was being emotionally, physically and sexually abused by the man I thought was supposed to love and protect me. I did not go seek help, talk to a therapist about the loss of my babies and the pain and sorrow. At 24 years old, I just returned to work. Shattered, disillusioned and just wanting to continue my life.
That was a recipe for disaster!!!
8 months later, I had a mental breakdown and I was hospitalized for a month. My brain forced my body to stop and process giving birth, the loss of my babies and the abuse I was going through.
It took the next 10 years to heal from the trauma, the grief surrounding the loss of my triplets and the abusive domestic relationship.
Did I dream during that time?!?
F?&$ no!
It took everything for me to just survive. I worked to pay my bills and living expenses. I barely had energy or money to travel or to think of anything else than just surviving.
Dreaming was not essential for me…. for years, surviving was my focus
Over the years, as I heal and process my pain, I’ve allowed myself to start dreaming again. My dreams have changed and morphed into dreams within the public service context, focusing on work context.
Joining the public service was never a goal but when I did, a dream of mine was soon born to become a leader in the public service. With my bipolar disorder diagnosis and my mental fragilities, I wanted to lead with empathy and compassion. I wanted to give a voice and represent persons with invisible disabilities.
Of course, I had imposter syndrome and self-doubt that leaders would never consider me for a management position. I worked extra hard to prove that I was worthy of such responsibility even with my mental disorder diagnosis.
I am in my dream job, doing meaningful work with a dream team in a great organizational culture. Just this week I had a colleague thank me for my vulnerability and authenticity. It helped her be open with her mental sensitivities. I consider that part of creating and manifesting a dream.
What are your dreams? Have you allowed yourself to dream big lately?
I want to continue flexing my dreaming muscles again!!
I want to put to paper dreams that are not work related. Dreams that brings a spark back to my life! That light me up!
Bali in 2018 awoke some dormant dreams.
Like traveling and exploring the World!
I can celebrate that another dream will be coming to reality soon.
While Char and I travelled to Bali, we talked about organizing an international retreat. The dream of not only travelling but bringing a group of individuals together was born.
Covid-19 hit and that dream was put on hold….
But here we are a few years after … our first retreat to Bali is not only organized but was sold out only weeks after we announced it.
Merci Char for taking the lead on this common dream of ours!!
This dream is making me realize that I can allow myself to have BIG dreams again.
I don’t need to just let things unfold for me.
I can dream and manifest beautiful things!
In Love and Light 💕💫
Nat