Living with the Loss: How I Feel Years After Losing My Babies
“You were born silent.
Perfect and beautiful.
Still loved.
Still missed.
Still remembered.
Stillborn.
But still born.”
~ unknown author
Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?!
Coincidently, October 27, 2001 is the day I gave birth to my 3 stillborn babies. That day changed me, changed my life forever.
23 years after that memorable day, my body still remembers the immense emotions I felt that day.
Living with the Loss
Grief is often talked about in phases or stages, as if we’ll eventually “move past” the pain and reach an endpoint. But for anyone who’s lost a child, especially through a stillbirth, we know there’s no finish line. Years after losing my babies, I can say that the loss has evolved into a quiet ache that lives within me, surfacing when I least expect it.
It’s also a kind of love that doesn’t fade over time, and my memory of them remains as fresh as it was. People sometimes assume the memory would blur or that, somehow, life moves on and leaves it behind. But for me, their memory is a part of my heart, and I hold it close. They’re not physically here, but they’ve woven themselves into my life in ways only a parent could understand.
Losing them hasn’t stopped me from loving them. If anything, I love them more deeply. They’re part of my story. I never had the chance to know them, yet I love them with every fiber of my being, as if they were here in my arms. I still think about the milestones they would have reached—imagining their laughs, their favorite foods, and the sound of their voices. It’s a bittersweet joy that brings both a smile and a tear.
Grief and time have also changed me. Losing them has made me more resilient, more empathetic, and sometimes more vulnerable. There’s a part of me that will always feel the loss deeply. My perspective on life shifted. I learned to appreciate moments with loved ones, to sit in silence with my emotions, and to allow myself the freedom to grieve without rushing to “get better.” It’s not a wound that closes. It’s more of a scar that I’ve learned to live with.
And in this journey, I’ve also found space for hope and healing. Healing, to me, doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on. It’s about learning to live with love and loss, side by side. It’s finding peace with the fact that they were here for such a short time and yet left an impact so profound, it will last forever.
For anyone who has gone through a similar experience, know that it’s okay to hold onto that memory, to feel that love, and to allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. There’s no right way to navigate this path—only the way that feels true to you. In sharing my story, I hope to create a space where we can honor both the beauty and the sorrow of those brief lives that forever changed us.
Today, I celebrate your birthday! Happy 23!
In Love and Light 💕🦋🌺
Nat