Hi! My name is Natasha and I’ve experienced a burnout, possibly a few in my life so far.
What does a burnout look like?!
For me, I can’t work, I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus, I’ve lost my short term memory. I have no energy. I don’t have the desire, willpower or energy to clean or cook my meals. I’m having a hard time functioning even after sleeping more than 10 hours. I have an enormous fatigue all the time, I feel boned tired... emotionally exhausted.
Anyone has felt that in their lives?! At one moment or another? Well, according to studies, we are in a world full of stress and stressors and majority of people have or will experience a burnout in their life time.
Hebert Freudenberger first coined burnout as a technical term in 1975 and it was defined by these 3 components:
1) Emotional exhaustion ~ the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;
2) Depersonalization ~ the depletion of empathy, caring and compassion; and
3) Decreased sense of accomplishment ~ an unconquerable sense of futility : feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.
I can relate to this definition of burnout. Can you? These elements of exhaustion, depersonalization and a decreased sense of accomplishment have been present since December 2020.
Here I thought my healthy habits would protect me from a burnout because I was caring for my health. I prioritized my mental, physical and emotional health. I did therapy. I exercised and ate healthy. I had enough sleep. I thought I was doing everything to lead a healthy and balanced life. I didn’t think I was heading for a burnout.
All of my healthy habits weren’t enough for me to avoid a burnout. In December 2020, I couldn’t deal with my stress anymore. Something needed to be done about the stress level in my life. I needed to stop, pause and reflect on the stress and stressors that were accumulating in my life.
If you ask me what happened? I can’t pin point it to one event or one thing. I love my work, I have an excellent boss and great colleagues. But I started having difficulties getting out of bed, I lost sense of pride in my work and accomplishments. A huge fatigue came to embrase me. Why was this happening to me and why now. I was angry with my body. I was angry I couldn’t keep going.
But it was apparent I needed to unplug. I needed to drop all those balls that I’ve been juggling. I needed to put them down so I could rest, disconnect and regroup. I thought after a few weeks off, I would be able to start working again. Joke was on me. I tried going back to work at the end of January. In no time, I started getting the same anxiety symptoms, insomnia, I even experienced a panic attack a work. I then took another medical leave from work.
We are in April and I’m still home, resting and relaxing. Some days are good, some days are bad and a lot of them are in between the two.
Spring came and woke up something in me. The sunshine feels so nice on my face. I see and feel the light at the end of my tunnel. I don’t feel as many grey or dark days. I have more good days and good moments. But some nights are dark with dark thoughts. I’m respecting and welcoming what needs to appear. I embrace what is showing up.
I am planning a progressive return to work for mid-April. I will need to take it slow and assess how I feel on a regular basis. Daily and sometimes even moment by moment.
I know this forced pause was a blessing in disguise. It was what I needed to protect my body from possibly a heart attack or stroke. It was the way my body protected my mind. I see this burnout as a possibility for a fresh and new start. New way of caring for myself.
I thank my God for this journey I’m on. I thank God for the strength and resilience He’s given me. I thank Him for the Hope and Sunshine. And I thank him for the people, my angels He’s put on my path.
Excellent books that helped me through this difficult time:
Burnout: the secret of unlocking the stress cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski
Your time to thrive : End burnout, increase well-being and unlock your full potential with the new science of micro steps by Marina Khidekel
I feel that anyone living through this Pandemic would benefit from reading these books. They are both relevant and resourceful for these times we are living in.