My life with bipolar
Each person with bipolar will have a uniquely personal experience with different triggers, signs and symptoms. With bipolar disorder, people experience episodes of depression and episodes of mania. The episode of depression can be similar to other types of depression while mania is an unusually high mood for the person. In a manic state, their thoughts are racing and people may feel hyperactive alter their sleeping pattern. They may also feel unrealistically confident, happy, or very powerful. This lack of sleep can lead to a chemical imbalance in the brain triggering a psychotic episode. They may act without thinking, do risky things that are completely out of character for them.
I am most vulnerable to experience a manic or psychotic episode when I am under extensive stress, emotionally taxed, my body is tired and my mind is busy; but I do not normally experience depression. For me, a manic episode causes euphoria, increases level of energy and activity and a lack of sleep, while a psychotic episode will occur during mania and will cause delusions and hallucinations. I do not always experience a manic or psychotic episode every time I’m under stress. Over the years, I have learned a lot about my triggers and my symptoms and now I can prevent a mania from turning into a psychotic episode most of the time. It all depends how quickly I notice my signs and how swiftly I put into action my preventative measures.
Signs of Mania
The first sign that appear when I start feeling manic and mentally off balance are a change in humor and in my mood. I become more aggressive and defensive, it is more difficult for me to find sleep. I feel scatterbrained, my thoughts start racing, my speech accelerates and I have a hard time spelling. I start experiencing feelings of grandeur as well as an excessive amount of energy. I have a ton of projects that I suddenly want to do all at once. I get an uncontrollable urge to spend money. I have a hard time to concentrate in reading, watching a movie or even as simple a task as following a recipe.
These are my signs and symptoms present at the onset of a mania. I notice these signs right away and start taking care of myself immediately, it is easier for me to manage the manic phase on my own. The preventative measures for me are to sleep, rest and not over stimulate my body and mind. During this vulnerable phase, I have to protect my mental health by taking the prescribed anti-psychotic medication that helps my mind return to normal frequencies. It’s also paramount to surround myself with loved ones who I trust and understand my mental disorder. They can recognize the early signs as well as differentiate between mania and psychotic episodes. That way they help me navigate through these hard times. My open and honest communication and transparency with myself and these selected loved ones makes it easier to prevent a possible escalation.
My close friends know my triggers, they know when to check up on me, what questions to ask and also what steps to take when I have lost sense of reality. We have a game plan in place should I not be able to manage the mania. I must rely heavily on their discernment and actions otherwise it can quickly manifest into a psychotic episode and when it does, I no longer have control of the situation nor myself.
Psychotic Episodes
My psychiatrist once compared my psychotic episode to a cocaine high. Although, I have never experienced with coke or other drugs but I am told that the symptoms of irritability, inappropriateness, unclear thinking and sudden anger are definite characteristics of both experiences. Rapid thinking, ability to get numerous things done in a very short period of time, creative outbursts, feeling on top of the world and being indestructible, sleeplessness, hypersexuality, and a decreased need for food are other additional common manifestations.
In a psychosis, I have delusions and hallucinations (hearing, seeing or feeling things that are not real). In that state, I am convinced that God, animals, babies and individuals’ souls are giving me important personal messages. This is part of the hallucination. I become delusional, paranoid and overly distrustful of things and people. I become very disorganized in my thoughts, my speech and my behavior. I jump from unrelated topics, making weird and strange connections between my thoughts. I have a hard time concentrating and I can no longer sleep. For outsiders, it is sometimes very hard to decipher between a mania and a psychotic break. Even my family and close friends can’t always tell between the two. The most important difference is that in a psychotic episode, I am no longer in control of my thoughts, I can become a danger to myself or others because I have lost sense of reality. I am in a different world where I’m experiencing with paranoiac behavior and hallucinations. I have literally gone crazy.
At this point, the only successful treatment for my psychosis is a hospitalization where I must be tranquilized and knocked out with my medication to induce recuperative deep sleep. I am followed closely by a psychiatrist. Contingent on the severity of my psychosis, I could be hospitalized for a period of up to 3 weeks. It all depends how long I experienced the mania and psychotic episode and how fast the my body responses to the treatment. The course of recovery from a first episode of psychosis varies; sometimes symptoms go away quickly and people are able to resume a normal life right away. For me, my recovery period after the hospitalization has taken several months and up to a year to recover fully. This includes a period of time when I am unable to work and perform minimal activities.
Prevention
That’s why, I want to protect my mental health, prevent any type of psychosis or hospitalization. Over the years, I have acquired a toolkit of strategies that help me live with my mental disorder and lead a balanced lifestyle. See my previous blog on coping strategies for living with a mental disorder.
Some people with bipolar will never experience a psychosis while there are some people diagnosed bipolar that will never experience depression or suicidal thoughts. Not every person diagnosed with bipolar will experience the same exact signs and symptoms. We all have our own history.
Need help?
From the Canadian Mental Health Association, here are some tips for supporting someone you love that has bipolar or possibly yourself:
Learn more about the illness, the signs and symptoms so you can have a better understanding of the experiences.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your signs and symptoms with your loved ones.
Make a game plan of what would be the worst case scenarios in case of an episode of extreme depression, mania or psychosis. Talk about when it would be a good time to bring you or your loved one at the hospital.
Ask your loved one how you can help. Think about practical help with day-to-day tasks, too.
Someone who experiences an episode of depression may want to spend time alone or act out in frustration, and this can hurt other people’s feelings. These are just symptoms—it isn’t about you.
Make sure your expectations are realistic. Recovery takes time and effort. It means a lot when you recognize your loved one’s work towards wellness, regardless of the outcome.
Make your own boundaries, and talk about behaviour you aren’t willing to deal with.
Seek support for yourself and think about joining a support group for loved ones. If family members are affected by a loved one’s illness, consider family counselling.
To learn more about other mental health and illnesses, visit the mental health 101 free tutorials offered by the Center of Addition and Mental Health https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-101.
For free, 24/7 support for people in crisis, please text HOME to 686868 anywhere in Canada.
In love and light 💕 💫
Nat