“With practice listening and responding to your body’s messages, you’ll very likely feel more energized, empowered, stronger, happier, hotter, and healthier. With all of those things comes trust in yourself. This is huge, because self-trust is the enemy of anxiety and insecurity.”
For 2020, my December all-inclusive’s destination was at the psych ward rather than Cuba. I was wishing and hoping for a trip to disconnect and recharge my battery. I didn’t think it was going to take me to the mental health section of the hospital.
Since November 15, when I thought I was dying, my body has been on high alert, constantly scanning my environment for threats, the body was in fight or flight mode for a solid month. For 30 days, I was anxious, worried for my health, worried I was dying. I kept working full time, completing and leading many projects. It was bound to happen, I know a crash was bound to happened.
My body tried to give me signs back in November that I needed to chill the f&@ down. My adrenaline level was through the roof, my heart and head were working on overdrive, way too much and I didn’t moderate or slow down fast enough. I didn’t slow much even after my body gave me signs of stroke.
How did my visit to the hospital happened you might ask?!
The trick to ensure I’m not hospitalized for long or that I’m out of commission for awhile, I need to put in place my plan of action as soon as I notice signs and triggers.
The differences between my manic and psychotic episodes are very minimal. A psychosis is when I’ve complexity lose sense of reality. A psychosis takes me months and sometime up to an Year to recover while a manic episode takes me weeks and many be months.
In a psychosis, I hallucinate, I think I’m invincible, I no longer see the dangers or hazards around me. I think big, have so much energy. I want to spend money on frivolous things. I can’t find sleep, I have a immense lists of projects and I think I can accomplish all of them, at once. I lose focus, I lose my memory, my grammar is bad.
This past episode brought me to a mania which I seek professional help immediately, it didn’t turn into a psychosis.
“Mania, also known as manic syndrome, is a state of abnormally elevated arousal, affect, and energy level, or “a state of heightened overall activation with enhanced affective expression together with lability of affect.””
A few days before my hospitalization, I started noticing concrete manic symptoms such as memory loss, hard time to focus, scatterbrain, aggressive, can’t sleep and an elevated level of energy. It’s an escalation and these symptoms are also present in a psychosis. The difference is how fast I am treated for the episode.
As soon as I had a sleepless night, I took a prescribed anti-psychotic that are just taken when needed, when I start seeing manic signs.
Most of the time when I start taking the pill, it will knock my speedy brain so I can sleep and automatically it rebalances my mental state. But this time, it didn’t work. I knew that I needed professionals’ help in order to tranquilizer energy level, my speedy brain. I needed help to come down from my high because I couldn’t do it alone.
My high (manic episode) could be described as if someone is on cocaine. It’s the same trip or so I’ve been told because I’ve never taken any type of non-prescribed drugs.
My mania needed to be dealt with ASAP because I don’t want to have a psychosis. Psychosis and manic episodes both take weeks and even months to recover from such a high. The difference in manic or psychosis for me is how fast I’m treated for my manic episode and how tired my mind and body have become.
On December 16, I accepted to be brought to the hospital. I packed an overnight bag because I knew what this meant, I knew I would be staying in the mental health ward until my psychiatrist discharged me. Once I had slept a few nights at the hospital, the psychiatrist agreed that the recuperation period would be best done at home.
Part of me is sad that I brought myself to this breaking point. I thought I knew my symptoms well enough, I thought I could avoid a manic state but I’m humbled in this situation. I need the help of professionals but also my loved ones. I listen to what they see, hear and feel when I’m in a manic state. They help me decipher when I need medical attention.
I am so grateful for the beautiful souls in my life. You know who you are. Thank you for your love, friendship and your support. It means the world to me to know I have a beautiful circle of friends and family that are here for me day and night.
