Did that ever happened to you? Sensations so strange, numbness to your body, but just on the left side, heat in your left side of the face, nausea, tension all over your body and heart palpitations. To me, that sounds like signs of a stroke.
Well friends, you don’t mess around with that shit. You go and seek medical attention ASAP.
And so I did. This episode happened exactly a month ago. I was hanging out with my dear friend, Char on a Sunday afternoon, chilling watching tv, nothing too serious or stressful was happening in my life on that day.... or so I thought...But when I started having this numbness, these alarming symptoms to me… they looked damn close to a stroke. I immediately asked for a ride to the ER. No clue what was happening but needed to get some answers and reassurance that it indeed wasn’t a stroke or heart attack. I was panicky, stressed, anxious, my whole body was in full alert. WTF was happening to me!
Ok, if you follow me and have read some of my other blogs, you will have noticed that I have many stories about my mental fragilities. I have learned to scan for signs and triggers of a mania or psychosis. I have learned to manage my anxiety, set boundaries and limitations so I can find an equilibrium life. I hate going to the hospital because it usually means I’m going there for a while, I usually go to get some medical attention due to an episode either manic or psychotic.
But this time let me tell you, I was feeling different. I welcomed the H sign when we turned into the lane way at the hospital.
What happened to me on November 15 was completely foreign to me. It was so scary. As we drove to the hospital, I kept asking myself, is this my last day on Earth, in this body? Is this the way God wants me to leave this world, by having a stroke?! I’m scared of what I’ll learn at the ER. I’m petrified. Am I dying? I don’t want this day to be my last day because I haven’t told my parents how much I loved them, or share my wisdom with my nieces. I want to witness them becoming ladies and enjoy more precious moments with them. I want more play time with THE man, I wasn’t ready to say bye yet. I still have things on my bucket list. I want to travel, see the world, I want to give hope to people that are struggling in life, I want to help more people. I didn’t want my life to end now.
Having these thoughts are fucking scary. They are sobering... I was being faced by my own immortality. Was this my time to say bye? To move on to other side, to join my little angels and my mémères up there …
In that moment, in the car getting to the hospital, my prayer to MY God was.... God, be here with me. Give me strength to go through what you want me to go through, then please God show me signs of what I’m supposed to learn from this and what should I be doing differently.
And so, I spent the afternoon getting blood work and tests done. Being monitored by the professionals was reassuring but I still had no clue what was happening to me. The ER doctor did all the appropriate tests. After hours of waiting.... she came back with a diagnostic....
““Migraine with aura” ”
The F$?!& is that! I don’t even have a migraine or a headache.
Anyways, returned home and was quite skeptical. Is that really it? Is that was I have? Is she sure it wasn’t a stroke? I don’t have blocked arteries? I hear so many misdiagnosis stories, is this the case as well? Did she just diagnosed me incorrectly? Did she missed a symptom.
And again, I turned to my God and prayed. Please just be with me, guide me and show me what I’m supposed to do with this data, what are these symptoms telling me?
Symptoms persisted for almost 3 weeks. I didn’t stop working. I monitored the symptoms, I listened to my body. It was begging for sleep, my body was tired, exhausted. And so I slept but maybe not enough. I canceled or monitored my workouts, I shortened my walks. I binge watched a ton of tv. I ate more comfort food than normal. I listened damn hard to my body. What should I hear? What are you trying to tell me with these symptoms. I listened to my body’ signals, to its aches and pains. I didn’t ignore them. I welcomed them. I listened and then I just let them be. I meditated more frequently, I slept more than normal. Almost like I was preparing for some fun or maybe just recuperating from a very stressful time at work. My body was in high alert, it kept scanning its environment, I kept being in fight or flight for weeks.
I consulted my various circles of trusted professionals, my angels on this Earth. The Family doctor was useless. But I found answers and comfort in my circle of healers, my wonderful personal trainer and dear friend, Noni, my 2 naturopaths and my dear sweet friend Char helped me find peace and acceptance in what was happening.
Today, a month after ‘THE’ visit at the ER, I sit back and reflect. Accepting the diagnosis with peace and love. Migraine with aura just means that my body was overly stimulated and it was begging for a pause and a reset.
I give thanks for being alive today. Being able to welcome my mom and spend time with her during the holiday season. Being healthy once again, a brand new me but I do have a scar, invisible scar to help me remember what happened and to chill out and relax more. Not take life too seriously.
I also am so thankful for the many people who are there for me in my life. Knowing that I have such a beautiful family that loves me and helps me lightened my mood, a best friends who makes time for me and witness my transformation, other soul sisters that provide love, kindness and support, friends who pray with me and support me, THE man who helps me laugh about it all, a wonderful trainer that is also a friend who gives me answers, an amazing understanding boss, colleagues at work that care and worry for me. I am so blessed.
On this morning on this 3rd advent Sunday, I turn to my God and say “I still have no clue WTF that was last month but thanks for being there and showing me that life is way too precious to worry about work, or stress about useless things. Please guide me to be less anxious or stressed. Please show me your love, show me what you want me to do from this experience, clearly tell me what are my takeaways from this and give me strength to keep walking on this journey I call life.
If you permit me my friends, I will leave you with one piece of advice: “Be kind to yourself, be gentle, be loving and listen to your body. It will tell you all of what you need to know.
My God’s message to my prayer is simple ....
““don’t stress the small stuff Nat. Just breathe and relax. I will do the heavy lifting my child. No need to worry, no need to stress. All will be ok. Let me drive for a while. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. “”
