I vaguely write about my hospitalization in my previous posts. So far, I’ve only mention that I’ll write more later. It’s a very sensitive topic for me. It triggers emotions and brings back traumas associated with my hospital stay. To this day, I had felt a lot of shame and pain with regards to my hospitalizations in the mental ward. Those are very dark moments of my journey.
I’d like to share with you some of my experiences, in hopes it might help you or a loved one that is going through something similar to possibly avoid a hospitalization, or maybe to encourage you to be more compassionate and loving towards individuals who struggle with mental illnesses.
HOW I WAS DIAGNOSED
In 2001, I had a miscarriage. I had to deliver my triplets and then I just like that 2 days later I continued to work work work. I didn’t go seek professional help, consulting or therapy. I just buried myself into work. My fiancé started accusing me of the babies’ loss. He would threaten to go seek love and sex somewhere else. He also forced me to have sex only days after I delivered our babies. I bled every time we had intercourse. I was just surviving on auto-pilot.
Finally 8 months after I lost my babies, my brain had had enough and I had a mental breakdown. In order to protect myself, my mind stopped working. That’s how I see my mental breakdown…. Like a blessing. It was my way out of that bad relationship.
Initially, I started hearing voices from God, getting images. The messages didn’t make sense. I didn’t make sense. My parents were so concerned and confused. They didn’t know what to do, how to handle their bright intelligent daughter that was slowly losing her mind.
Back in 2002, mental illnesses were not as common and talked about as they are now. With lots of patience and love, my parents were finally able to bring me to the hospital. It was a long few hours before I was evaluated by a psychiatrist where he told my parents I was having a psychosis. I was hallucinating, hearing voices, delusional, my mind was speedy full of ideas and plans. I wasn’t tired, I was actually super hyper. I wanted to save the world. My mission I was hearing from GOD was that I was going to save the world. It felt so clear, it felt so real. The ideas were all so messed up, I couldn’t really connect the dots. I couldn’t sleep, I had so much energy. I was also confrontational and aggressive.
From the outside, anyone looking at me, it just seemed like I was possibly on a cocaine high or maybe way too drunk. There wasn’t anything physically wrong with me. But I was definitely behaving hysterically. My parents did the right thing to bring me to the hospital even though I didn’t want to go. Did you see the movie Girl Interrupted?! Well I was one of them.
That first time in the hospital and most of the other times I have had a psychosis, I can’t remember the first 3 weeks of my hospital stay. In order to calm my mind, the psychiatrists have to drug me so much that I blank out for days and weeks. It takes a long time for my body and mind to return to normal. To regulate my sleeping pattern….
Initially when I am hospitalized, my brain races with thousands ideas, to do lists, getting messages from the Gods. I literally have lost my mind for a period of time and the only way to find sanity is with the professional help of psychiatrists and the staff in the mental health wards.
During that first hospitalization, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 1 which is a mental illness, that combines high and low moods. Personally, when I’ve needed professional interventions is when I am escalating toward a manic episode, climbing towards a psychosis. In past blogs, I define manic episode versus psychosis. I usually only experience depression and lows after I’ve experience a big high (either a manic or psychosis).
Today, I wanted to share a bit more about my hospitalization. I’ve have a few psychosis that have required 3 or more week stays at the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I have had various experiences depending on the hospital where I was being cared and depending on the state of my psychosis. I will share with you some of the darkest moments I’ve had at the hospital.
DARK TIMES IN MENTAL WARD
One time, I recall being locked into a room with only a mattress and a blanket. The walls were covered with cushions, there were big thick bars on the window and on the door. I was placed in isolation overnight because “they couldn’t control me”. When someone is extremely agitated and in a psychotic state, the patient possess surreal strength and caregivers aren’t sure how the patient will react to medication or treatment so it’s sometimes the only way to treat someone that is arriving at the hospital with a psychosis. That particular time, I remember it so vividly. I spent the night in that room. Like a scene from a psycho movie. I cried and screamed for hours. I was so scared, upset, angry, in pain. I couldn’t believe they were treating me like an animal or a prisoner. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I did not hurt anyone, or myself. But in their defence, they counter-response is that I’m a danger to myself and others I am left in that room as a punishment.
Another vivid memory of my stay in the hospital, I had not yet been admitted into the mental ward because there was a shortage of beds. They left me in the ER, on a stretcher, tied by ankles and wrists. I spent the night and longer on a stretcher tied again like a felon. It was so humiliating and upsetting.
UNDERSTANDING A PSYCHOSIS
Again, I need to repeat that I don’t take drugs or smoke of any kind. This chemical imbalance is not caused by overdose or drug usage, not even alcohol.
For me, the brain chemical imbalance are triggered when I deal with a life altering events, extreme grief or losses. For example, when I lost my triplets, when I needed to have an abortion, when I found out my husband was already married, when I was raped, when I lost 4 of my best girlfriends.
I don’t like using labels but when I first lost my triplets in 2002, I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and I’ve been suffering from PTSD since then. As I have had to dealt with each of the big life altering events I mentionner above, I’ve been hospitalized to protect myself.
At times, I’ve been able to prevent a psychosis, I’ve been to the hospital as a preventative measure as I know I can rest, recuperate and disconnect at the hospital. However on other occasions, I was too late to prevent a psychosis and I’ve been hospitalized to recover.
PREVENTING A PSYCHOSIS
My goal is to always avoid a psychosis. A psychosis is not only heavy for my mind and body, it takes a long time to recover. I would rather never have a psychosis ever again.
I’ve been able to prevent a psychosis for the past few years because I’ve gotten to know myself really well, my stressers, my signs and triggers and I can start my prevention measures as soon as I see manic signs. In the past, I would’ve wanted to avoid a hospitalization at all cost but I now know better. A stay at the hospital is not a sign of failure or weakness. It’s also not necessarily a sign of a psychosis. I’ve changed my mindset around hospitalization. I see it now actually as part of preventative measure…. it’s a sign of courage and vulnerability.
AWARENESS AND MENTAL HEALTH CHECK
If you see someone struggling during the holidays or anytime, if you or someone you know is feeling off and you aren’t sure where to turn to, please consult the resources from Health Canada’s mental health page: https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/topics/mental-health-wellness.html
You can also call 911 for immediate assistance if you don’t know how to deal with the situation.
I invite you to be mindful during the holiday seasons, reach out and connect and check up on your friends and family. Holidays can be very hard for some people.
Let’s prevent more stigma around mental illnesses. Let’s learn to care for our mental health just as much as we care for our physical and emotional health.