If I survived an abusive relationship, you can too
If you have read a blog or two of mine, you may know that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2002 after I lost my triplets. But did you also know that my first relationship; with the father of my triplets was an abusive relationship?
What happened?
I gave birth to 3 stillborn babies in 2001. I returned to work 3 days after I delivered them and my boyfriend wanted sex minutes after I returned home from the hospital.
My body, mind and heart never had a chance to heal, to recover. I just became so numb to life. I was going thru the motions of working, cooking and cleaning. I didn’t feel any emotions. I didn’t go to therapy to talk about the loss of my stillborn babies. I didn’t really talk to my friends and family about it. I just tried to live my life. As a 23 year old, I had all my dreams shattered instantly and I thought this was now going to be my life.
The father of the babies, my boyfriend at the time was also grieving in his own way. For some weird reason, he blamed me for the loss of the babies. He became angry. Angry all the time! His anger had never been an issue before. He had been a normal boyfriend, a bit jealous and my family would say he was controlling but it hadn’t been an issue until we lost the babies. As part of his grievance process, he would have these fits of anger. Instead of of processing the emotions, having a conversation, he would show his frustration by hitting or slapping me.
He became very possessive. He refused I go visit with friends or family alone. He always wanted to be part of my outings. He also wanted to be involved. He would drive me to and from work. I never had alone time.
Another way of dealing with his grief was wanting to be closer to me, he wanted intimacy. He wanted sex and it seems like he wanted it all the time. He threatened me that if I wasn’t going to give him some, he would go elsewhere.
What does a woman in love do?
Well, I gave him what he wanted. Even if my body wasn’t healed or ready, even if I bled every time we had sex. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I thought I had to keep my partner happy and satisfied. I thought it was normal for him to demand those things.
I thought that after giving birth, it would hurt having sex.
I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal. I didn’t know that I could say no.
For 8 months, I not only did not process the pain of losing my babies, I lived in this nightmare, in this abusive relationship …
A definite recipe for disaster
8 months after I delivered the babies, my mind stopped working. I completely lost it. That’s the true definitely of losing your mind.
There were no signs or red flags the first episode. It really came as a surprise for everyone, including me.
Leading up to that week, his father was coming for a month’s visit. He would stay with us, we would visit around with him. Since I had lived in Mexico for 2 years, I knew and loved his family very much. I was excited to show his father around.
The day we arrived home from picking his father from the airport, I couldn’t sleep. I thought taking a bath would help calm my nerves so I could find sleep. It had been days that I had only had a few hours of sleep a night.
The excitement of his visit and the accumulated abuse both emotional and sexual, the lack of communication and processing of emotions and the lack of sleep make it an excellent recipe for a mental breakdown.
My mind finally protected my whole body. It stopped working so the body could have peace.
That first psychosis resulted in 4 weeks in the mental health ward of the hospital. I don’t remember the first 2 weeks of my stay. I was so heavily medicated because the doctors needed to calm me down. I needed to relax that overstimulated brain.
Due to my mental state, the doctors and my parents agreed that I would not be released until my boyfriend returned home to Mexico. Everyone agreed that it would be for my best interest.
Therapy is what saved me
It was only after he took his flight that I was released from the hospital and I started therapy. It was only weeks later in therapy that I acknowledged to myself that I had been in an abusive relationship.
For awhile, I was angrier at myself than at him. I felt ashamed that I had not seen it. I felt stupid that everyone around me had tried to warned me but I didn’t want to see it, I defended him. I felt so guilty and angry at myself.
My triplets, my 3 little angels have been watching over me over the years. I strongly believe they came into this world to save me. Save their mother from a life of misery and abuse.
Therapy was my saving grace. It helped build my confidence and my intuition back. I was deflated and I thought I would never recover.
Therapy comes in many different types. It’s not just about sitting in an office with a psychologist and talking about your trauma. There was more to my journey than talk therapy. Be curious, do some research, follow your gut. You will find the right form of therapy for you.
It’s been a long healing journey of relearning to love myself, prioritizing myself, understanding my needs and desires. It’s been a journey to relearn to dream, to trust myself and my choices.
Your needs and wants are just as important as anybody else in your life. Dont forget that. Don’t lose yourself and the love you have for yourself.
In Love and Light 💕 💫
Nat